I've been living with depression since my nickname of "Baby Rosa" suited me. I won't share the amount of ways I planned on ending my life, nor the amount of "good bye" letters I had planned to write out; I can share with you how happy I am to still be here to share my story.
Depression isn't a "mood" when I'm feeling down, it's not something I chose nor is it something I'm a victim to. My depression can range from mental breakdowns (doubt, fear, anger, etc) to physical pain. I never noticed how deep my depression was until I realized that I'm in charge of my own canvas (life).
My mental and physical health depend on my environment; I often take trips down memory lane where I realize what I was doing and who was around me that pushed me to change my surroundings and become me. Freshman year of college I was the poster child for unhealthy students: I never went to the gym, was always out partying and drinking, and didn't really care for my future. It all caught up to me when I almsot got kicked out of school for having bad grades. I gave in a broke down: I started to cry because I felt like I let a lot of people down ( mostly myself since I was the only one who knew). I knew that I had to change something before it changed me.
I still remember the day I came home and finally told my mom about what was about to happen. Before she could get a word in I gave her my word that I was going to change my habits and learn from my mistake.
My freshman year ended and I was back to getting good grades. I was happy to have made that comeback and to have finished my first year of college while being four hours away from everyone I know. I started to look back at the (epic) nights I had my freshman year and realized I gained weight- 20 pounds of drinking 3-4 nights a week, every week for 2 months straight and waking up to eat greasy unhealthy food every morning to get over my hangover. I was always bigger than my peers but this was too far. I was 18 years old wearing size 20 pants, xl shirts, 240 lbs. Time to change my habits again.
I've tried diets before that didn't work, played sports for many years and maintained (but never lost) my weight, what's there to do now? I had to want it like the next breath I took. I had to set REALISTIC goals and set myself up for success. One year I stood 50 lbs lighter feeling closer to the person I was created to be for the first time since I was Baby Rosa.
To me, every moment should be special to you to help you become a better you, even if it started out painful. I've been reminding myself and other that a dark past doesn't stop you from a bright future unless you do. Along this journey I've realized that I'm allowed to break down as many times as I need to, I just remember to build up stronger. Also, if it come easy it won't be worth it.
What was your moment of truth that you needed to change something on this beautiful Monday?
peace, love,
Rosey
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