You can make excuses or you can make a way

I'm currently the smallest size I've ever been physically, the strongest I've ever been mentally, & I've never been this confident, why? Because I wanted to be this way. I wanted to be taken out of my misery. 

I've never really liked my Self. My body, thoughts, or actions. When I was little I wanted to get plastic surgery to make my thighs smaller. I always said, if I had a gym membership I'd lose all the weight I wanted(excuse). When I had access to a gym I wasn't eating right, at all. My brother pointed out that my eating habits were cancelling out the work I just put in at the gym but I didn't care. I was finally fed up with the madness I created standing at my heaviest 240 lbs, size 20 jeans. I was drinking & eating my sadness away until I stopped throwing my own pity party. I decided to do something different, believe in my Self.

I ended up losing 50 lbs, but gaining so much more. When people ask me how I lost the weight I tell them about all the water I drank (about a gallon a day), the exercise I did (a lot of cardio), and the food I ate (mostly vegan "diet"). I joked about the food that I didn't eat to get here but never really spoke about my eating disorder. 

I covered it up for a while with smoking weed to have the munchies to eat. I covered it up with my food allergy list. I covered it up with so many other excuses that I decided to change my habits. I was tired of being someone I'm not. I'm still working on my eating disorder but this time I have people that understand it a bit more. That helps a lot. It sucks that I'm a foodie going to a culinary school for Restaurant Food & Beverage Management because everyone thinks all I want to talk about is food. I DON'T. I'm getting better though, that's what matters.

I tell myself every time I run into a wall that it's mind over matter. If my mind isn't in the right place to begin my day, nothing else matters. Meditation is my MAJOR KEY to success. Prayer, yoga, mindful meditation - they all help me. I proceed with daily affirmations, what I remind my Self about myself- I have a playlist I need to listen to every morning, while I'm showering/ getting dressed to get my mind in the right place to face the day. Then I face the day & everything it brings- good & bad, it's going to make me a better me.

So if you find yourself in an unhappy state, think about what you'd like to change & what you have to do to get to your goals. Surround yourself with people that believe in you on the days you don't, and find the God within that you can't live without. You can do anything you put your mind to. Live your dreams.

Peace, love. Rosey.

Dear Self,

Rosey!!!
Live your dreams, don't let the nightmares stop you- instead use that as a reason to wake up. Thinking back on what you've accomplished to get to where you are now is motivation to keep going (growing). When everyone turned their back on you, you kept moving forward. You only look back to see how far you've come but ain't no turning back! You used to look down on yourself and now people look up to you. Some people have a deeper love for you than they can admit. You spread love & positivity into every room you walk into. You're fulfilling the promise you made yourself in 2012 to never give up.

You're living and learning even while the bridges are burning but that's why cars have steering wheels- so you can keep turning every time you see something ahead that will get to your head.
You keep swimming as you find the different creatures until you find your tribe which is only attracted by your vibe.
So vibrate higher, even when they want to call you a liar because regardless of what they say, they don't have to stay alone with your thoughts they have to stay with their own.
They might come for your thrown but you've thrown harder punches that people have eaten with their lunches.
They want to use you are their crutch when they're injuring themselves.
They will keep coming around like Santa's little elves but don't be surprised if they collect dust like the books on your selves.

Stop seeking approval from those who don't understand, keep in mind that there's a bigger picture.

Life As Rosey

Life as Rosey is a constant roller coaster ride, I anticipate the highs and have to remember the will be lows for me to get back to where I started (being me). I've learned to take the good, with the bad and I can't get mad when I don't get the thrill ride I expected. I have to let go of everything that has happened in the past or it will continue to block my blessings in the future. I have to take every day for what it is, not what I want it to be. Everything happens for a reason and there is a season for everything including winning & losing.

Just because I smile on social media doesn't mean I'm not crying in my personal life. If people only knew the mountains I'm conquering right now, they'd stop throwing pebbles at me. I distance myself from anyone and anything that isn't adding value to my life, I refuse to stick around for anything less than I deserve for long. I'm loved by many until it interferes with who they want me to be; understood by few and respected by less. I'm still me regardless of any opinion out there. I don't see why I have to explain myself to someone that doesn't listen before they talk: they want to be treated better than they treat me not realizing I treat people how they treat me.

I've fallen many times before I learned how to stand strong. I've cried many nights before I realized I needed to smile more- not because someone told me to but because I deserved much more. I've learned that I'd like to set the example I'd like to see: someone who lives their dreams and isn't phased by a rainy day, instead learns to use an umbrella. "I have a lot on my mind, I've got more in my face if I ain't going to get it that day is going to waste." Tomorrow doesn't come to everybody so I believe in doing as much as I possibly can in the 24 hours I was given today (carpe diem).

I'm thankful for anyone I've encountered along this journey that has made me a better me whether that was their intention or not. I look forward to fulfilling my purpose as a human taking in the tests as my testimony for those who want to give up on themselves. I have to remember that we're painting a bigger picture than what I can see now and I'm in charge of my canvas; not everyone will understand my gallery and enjoy the show.

 

What a time to be alive

The reason I'm here is because I didn't ever give up. I've certainly gotten confused and lost along this journey but thats the beauty of it. No one goes to an amusement park that has the same exact ride throughout the park. Some people can take the thrill more than others and that's what makes us all special.
For me to be writing this post for you all is nothing short of a blessing. No other day is promised, and I truly appreciate anyone that makes the time to get to know me better. Times have changed and I love the young woman I've grown into, so I'm going to share more about me.

Lately, A LOT of people who have known me for years have been showing MAD love to me and it is a great feeling when people recieve the message you're sending. They see the vision and want me to keep going. I've spent years in toxic situations with people who were focused on everything I'm not- which made me everything I am. The love always comes with hate but after I push that to the side I start to think about how I got here-what changed me to become someone people look up to?

I finally broke down and cried for a deep wound I didn't know I had covered. When my family moved to the town we live in now, it was completely different for me to have to introduce myself to strangers and get along with them. I grew up with my family members close to me and had close friends from my neighborhood. If I wasn't with my family, I was with them and "starting fresh"  wasn't something I was used to. Being the introvert I am, I had a hard time mingling with people (and still do); I became friends with a great person in the sixth grade. She was my first friend in this town but overtime I didn't make the time to keep our friendship. When she died my Freshman year of high school I felt so bad that I didn't stick up for her enough, didn't see how she's doing, and barely even made the effort to say hi. I realized lately how deep of a depression that put me into, and why my heart was so cold with relationships. I still smile at the good times we had but her death had me think about my life; It pushed me into searching for my true Self and my purpose in this world.

The lady at the food court wants you to try her food but it's not until you have the whole meal that you both are satisfied. I no longer "try" to do much: I don't try to spread good vibes to do it, I don't try to be a good friend to genuinely be a good friend, etc.. Closed minds don't get fed and I'm working on opening my mind to trying somethings for the first time because the best things that have ever happened to me happened when I stepped out of my comfort zone. I know the Universal Law will always get me what I give; anything that I'm not working to keep I'm asking to lose.

I don't get to see my favorite people as often as I'd like to and I'm still working on my time management skills but my favorite people know how hard I've been working on being a better me. Timing is everything and things have to change in order to get somewhere in life. "If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together."
Crossing paths with people is no coincidence.

"I heard em say nothings ever promised tomorrow, today... people in your life are seasons and anything that happens is for a reason." - Kanye

Spread love, its the Rosey way.

Open letter: my coming out story

We live in a society that judges a book by its cover, not caring how deep the pages go. Growing up my goal is to be happy and comfortable in my skin. As a kid I was usually around guys who didn’t care about what I was wearing, as I didn’t care about their choice of expression. It makes me laugh almost every day the ignorance that I receive about my choice of clothes. Those who know, know my sexual orientation, those who don’t boost their ego by putting others in a box.

I’ve removed myself from that box a long time ago and I’m still here. I still look forward to getting dressed and continuing along my journey. God made me ME for a reason. Anyone that believes otherwise is simply removed from my life. I’ve had to conquer many battles to get to where I’m at; if you really think you can label me into something I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve but I’m already at war. 

I’m not sorry that I don’t straighten my hair as often as you’d like, I don’t reach for my eyeliner as fast as I reach for my sweatshirt, I never have been your poster child girly girl; but my 38 DD bra, monthly visit from mother nature, and the struggle of putting on skinny jeans after I knew I shouldn’t have eaten certain food makes me more than enough a woman. I won’t apologize for being myself but I do feel sorry that you will no longer be included in this life. 

 I was given this world I didn’t make it but I sure know how to fake it and when negativity arrives I will take it and keep going. Because you get what you give, sometimes I wonder, “Can I live?”. Hell yeah I can & I will, the bills are piling while you’re busy filing me into something you’ve never seen before. If you didn't know before, the choice of clothing someone has DOESN'T determine their sexuality. Now a days people look for the smallest things to not like each other but I don't trip, it's a reflection of who they are. Work on loving yourself before you get out of bed if your first goal is to hate someone else. 

I spent so many years hating myself, your dirty looks no longer phase me. Everything I'm not made me everything I am and I'm proud to be ME.

I'm sure ignorant people will turn this post into what ever satisfies their ugly souls but I run that risk everyday I choose to be who my Creator sent me to be; when the hate doesn't work they start telling lies. Believe what you want, I no longer care to spoon feed people the truth & I refuse to explain my life choices to someone focused on misunderstanding me.

This post was inspired by Ms. Lauryn Hill's "I get out" from her MTV Unplugged show.

Tap Out Tuesday

One of my favorite Daytime Talk Shows is The Real. Not only do they have different opinions and backgrounds all around, but I can actually relate, laugh & cry with them. They have a segment in their show where they tap out things they each find annoying about our society; they keep it with general things but I'll go a little deeper.

This week I'll be tapping out people who swear they know my life more than I do. This isn't anything new to me but I must be fed up with it if I'm writing about it. 

Many have tried to do what I do and have failed for the simple fact that I AM ME. Everything happens for a reason, there's a reason why our Creator has made me go through what I have and the same for you too.
I've been judged and made fun of for the very things that make me, me. I'm human and have done the same thing to others. It's been proven in my life (quite often) that hurt people, hurt people. Before I go on, if I have genuinely hurt your feelings in the past I apologize.

So, you and your friend decide to go to the mall and you're driving; you have your favorite route and so does your friend. If your friend had a problem with the route you took to go to the same destination they could have stayed at home or drove, instead they trust your route and enjoy the ride. In a car there's only one drivers seat, on the road there's going to be potholes, stop signs, detours, green lights, freshly paved roads, and highways; but you still get to your destination.
I apply the same thing with life, no one can be a better you, than you. You can't control the things that happens you in life but you are in control of how you react and move on from it. Like Andre 3000 says, "you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather..." For those of you that think that you can be in the drivers seat of more than one car, please realize that is physically impossible- you may need to go back to the drawing board to continue in life. For every good thing that has happened in my life, something twice as bad happened shortly after but those who insist on me taking their way of life wouldn't know that I follow the path my Creator has for me, not yours. I'm not saying that I don't accept directions but what I am saying is that after a few experiences I had to learn that not everyone has the same intentions as I did.



I think the main purpose of the human life existing is to LIVE and to LEARN. The people who are always in the passenger seat to life won't know the adrenaline rush that comes with being the driver: they won't get it because they haven't lived it. Try to stay in your respected lane; not everyone has to drive at your speed. At this point, if it doesn't evolve me, it doesn't involve me. We're all out here working hard, trying to find our way, looking for togetherness: a beautiful melting pot.


What, or who would you like to Tap Out this Tuesday?

peace, love,
Rosey

Moment of Truth Monday: When I knew I had to change my life around.

I've been living with depression since my nickname of "Baby Rosa" suited me. I won't share the amount of ways I planned on ending my life, nor the amount of "good bye" letters I had planned to write out; I can share with you how happy I am to still be here to share my story.
Depression isn't a "mood" when I'm feeling down, it's not something I chose nor is it something I'm a victim to. My depression can range from mental breakdowns (doubt, fear, anger, etc) to physical pain. I never noticed how deep my depression was until I realized that I'm in charge of my own canvas (life).

My mental and physical health depend on my environment; I often take trips down memory lane where I realize what I was doing and who was around me that pushed me to change my surroundings and become me. Freshman year of college I was the poster child for unhealthy students: I never went to the gym, was always out partying and drinking, and didn't really care for my future. It all caught up to me when I almsot got kicked out of school for having bad grades. I gave in a broke down: I started to cry because I felt like I let a lot of people down ( mostly myself since I was the only one who knew). I knew that I had to change something before it changed me.
I still remember the day I came home and finally told my mom about what was about to happen. Before she could get a word in I gave her my word that I was going to change my habits and learn from my mistake.

My freshman year ended and I was back to getting good grades. I was happy to have made that comeback and to have finished my first year of college while being four hours away from everyone I know. I started to look back at the (epic) nights I had my freshman year and realized I gained weight- 20 pounds of drinking 3-4 nights a week, every week for 2 months straight and waking up to eat greasy unhealthy food every morning to get over my hangover. I was always bigger than my peers but this was too far. I was 18 years old wearing size 20 pants, xl shirts, 240 lbs. Time to change my habits again.
I've tried diets before that didn't work, played sports for many years and maintained (but never lost) my weight, what's there to do now? I had to want it like the next breath I took. I had to set REALISTIC goals and set myself up for success. One year I stood 50 lbs lighter feeling closer to the person I was created to be for the first time since I was Baby Rosa.

To me, every moment should be special to you to help you become a better you, even if it started out painful. I've been reminding myself and other that a dark past doesn't stop you from a bright future unless you do. Along this journey I've realized that I'm allowed to break down as many times as I need to, I just remember to build up stronger. Also, if it come easy it won't be worth it.

What was your moment of truth that you needed to change something on this beautiful Monday?

peace, love,
Rosey